As I went home on a Monday night As drunk as drunk could be I saw a horse outside the door Where my old horse should be Well I calls me wife and I says to her Would you kindly tell to me Who owns that horse outside my house Where my old horse should be? Well you’re drunk, you’re drunk, you silly old fool Until you cannot see That is a lovely sow that my mother sent to me Well it’s many a day I’ve travelled A hundred miles or more But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before As I went home on a Tuesday night... I saw a coat behind the door Where my old coat should be... ...That is a lovely blanket that my mother sent to me... ...But buttons on a blanket sure I never saw before As I went home on a Wednesday night... I saw a pipe upon the chair Where my old pipe should be... ...That is a lovely tin whistle that my mother sent to me... ...But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before As I went home on a Thursday night ... I saw two boots beneath the bed Where my old boots should be... ...They are two geranium pots that my mother sent to me... ...But laces in geranium pots I never saw before As I went home on a Friday night... I saw a head inside the bed Where my old head should be... ...That is a baby boy that my mother sent to me... ...But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before As I went home on Saturday night... I saw a hand upon her breast Where my old hand should be... ...That is a lovely nightgown that my mother sent to me... ... But a nightgown with fingers sure I never saw before As I went home on a Sunday night... I saw a thing between her legs Where my old thing should be... ...That is a lovely shillelagh that my mother sent to me... ...But testicles on a shillelagh sure I never saw before